A look at my own AA journey.

As many of you know I published a book about 6 months ago. It is the story of my life beginning in  1943.  World War 11 was in full swing and I had just been given a special gift for my 10th birthday.  I chose the title "My Halcyon Years" because it so aptly described my life from then until 1960. I write in detail of all the many events and exciting people that crossed my path and it was fun and easy to put down on paper.  However my life changed drastically in 1960 and it was far from idyllic. 

All of a sudden I realized that I'd really boxed myself in by the title.  I had just written the last of my "halcyon" chapters and I was in a quandary.  It didn't seem to make sense to just end it abruptly. but if I took the reader full cycle … from my marriage to Dick in 1958 (the highlight of the halcyon years) to his death in 1990 … it would make it an entirely different book. I finally chose to keep it fairly light because that was the easiest way to retain the basic tenor of the book. I do mention, however, that in1989 Dick and our 3 children held an intervention with me in hopes that I would face my drinking problem and get help. I go on to mention that with the support of Dick, the children and the AA program I now had over 30 years of sobriety. It was all true but it made it seem like getting sober was a walk in the park. In reality it was the hardest thing I've ever done. 

Let me backtrack to the New York City days. Dick and I met there in 1957 and married a year later. He had just left LIFE magazine and was starting his free lance Industrial Photography business.  The halcyon days were still in full swing and we had big plans for the future when it abruptly came  to an end when Dick was diagnosed as an extremely brittle diabetic. Luckily insulin had just been introduced and, although it kept him alive, it was far from perfect and he suffered terribly. His photography days were over and we moved to a small town in upstate New York.  Our doctor there made it clear to me that a calm and supportive life style was extremely basic to Dick's health so I tried to do my best, but with 3 small children, a move to a town where I knew noone and a Mom & Pop real estate business that we were hoping against hope would support us, I found it near impossible to keep things afloat. My favorite time came before dinner when Dick and I would relax with drinks as we talked about the future. I began to rely on it more and more and truly thought that I'd found the answer.

Alcohol, though, is a very clever and sneaky foe. For years it seemed to be the very thing that allowed me to keep a steady hold on the family but what it really did was isolate me from them. As the years progressed we drifted further apart but I honestly didn't see what it was doing and when they intervened it was a shock to me. I agreed to get help and that began the long journey in AA. I found it incredibly hard at the beginning. As a good AA friend describes it "getting and staying sober is not for wimps" and I can attest to that.  I couldn't relate to others who seemed much more in need than I. After all, I'd never had a DUI or been put in jail. I didn't hang out in bars. I still had a job and meals were on time. What I couldn't face was the fact that I didn't have the empathy and the guts to face our new life after the halcyon years without the aid of my best friend … alcohol.  

I joined AA in June of 1989 and Dick passed away in September of 1990.  He died knowing that he had accomplished what he wanted … a sober mother for our children. However I lived on in guilt knowing that he never truly had the benefits of a sober wife during the last 15 months of his life. It wasn't fair and it made me feel weak and heartkess. However I was, literally,  incapable at that time of  doing anything more than attending meetings and trying my best to understand it all. 

Writing"My Halcyon Years" was very cathartic for me and a wonderful thing happened as a result. It brought back memories of my early years in sobriety and reminded me of one of AA's wise sayings. It tells us not to forget the past but to make certain that we don't get stuck in it either! It became clear to me that I had been doing just that ever since Dick died and I realized that it was not what he would have wanted for me. It literally set me free and I was finally able to forgive myself and start anew. I will always be thankful that one of the last things Dick said to me was “promise me you will keep on with AA".  I gave him that promise and have never wavered from it.  My dedication reads:  "For their patience and love I dedicate this book to my children Mark, Matt & Jody and to the memory of their father Richard Dean"

I think of Dick as my hero. He restored me to life and to the memories of when we met in 1957 … truly the highlight of that halcyon time.  I can't thank him in person, but I do so from my heart every day.  #2 in the picture is his pal Thunder. I know that Dick was his hero, too.

ADDENDUM:   Over the past 30+ years I have seen hundreds of men and women who wait too long before seeking help. If you are hiding behind alcohol  PLEASE take heed.  The alternative to seeking help is never good … families are torn apart and the alcoholic's life often ends in jails, asylums and ultimately in death. If you can relate to anything I've written please act on it before it is too late.  AA is world-wide and the doors are open to anyone who wants to enter. We even have a chair reserved just for you!  As our tradition states "the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking".  I can attest to the fact that it's not easy but if you have the courage to stick to it the rewards will be beyond your belief. Please join us. I can't wait to meet you.

(PS: I have no idea why all my paragraphs are so wonky... they look fine when I review and republish it but they are still out of sync,)